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The Seven Keys to Being Successful with Difficult People
These seven key ideas are the backbone of the materials presented throughout the Difficultpeople.org website. They have been developed by Dr. Koob through his extensive experience and study relevant to difficult people and difficult situations. As you work on your understanding and strengths in these important areas you will notice a marked difference and improvement in how you perceive ‘difficult’ people you interact with and how you handle their ‘difficult’ interpersonal behaviors.
These “Seven Keys” are all centered in your attitude about yourself and others.
Working successfully with other people centers around how we feel about ourselves. Their ‘stuff’ has a direct effect on how they interact with us but does not have to affect how we feel or go about our own work. When we can step beyond their problems and live our life to the fullest and make the most of our work on OUR terms, we have learned to truly be in control.
- Self-awareness
- Self-worth
- Self-Confidence
- Self-Control
- Honesty
- Kindness
- Positivity
Our books and materials use these “Seven Keys” as the basis for discussing specific difficult people problems. Whether you have concerns with a coworker, boss, significant other, child, etc., we bring these ideas and many more together to help you help yourself through difficulties.
1. Self-awareness
Self-awareness tops this list because it is fundamental to all the other ideas. When we begin to understand ourselves better, we can make better choices, and we strengthen our self-worth, self-confidence, and self-control. There is no better tool available for you to help build your foundation for dealing effectively and positively with others.
Working on your self-awareness pays big dividends. It is helpful to start this process by reading more extensive materials on how to develop these skills. [See Understanding and Working with Difficult People; Me! A Difficult Person? and A Perfect Day: Guide for a Better Life (Koob, J.)]
2. Self-worth
Self-worth is how we value ourselves. It has nothing to do with ego – placing ourselves above others. It has to do with who we truly believe ourselves to be and how we bring that belief to the world. It has to do with understanding our most fundamental values – who we would most like to be with others.
3. Self-confidence
As we develop our self-worth our self-confidence improves. Many of the difficulties we have with other people are affected a great deal by our inability to maintain a confident and positive demeanor when we are with them. You can be assured that if you are getting upset, defensive, depressed, etc. that your confidence is taking a hit.
Self-confident people approach others from an assertive stance. Assertiveness is being able to accept yourself in an interaction with another person regardless of their behavior. It does take practice and self-awareness.
4. Self-control
Control of other people is an illusion. It is an illusion that drives difficult people to their difficult behaviors. To be successful with difficult people our only recourse is self-control. We are not out to control them, only our own feelings, thoughts, and responses to their difficult behaviors. When we are in control, they almost always don’t have any choice but to change their negative behavior when interacting with us.
No one can control our lives without our permission! We always have positive choices we can make. Sometimes they are difficult to understand or to see. Practice in self-awareness, awareness and understanding of others, and in developing our self-worth and self-confidence can make all the difference.
5. Honesty
Honesty means being honest with ourselves (more self-awareness!) and being kindly honest with others.
You always have a right to be honest with others and there are ALWAYS positive, assertive ways to do that.
6. Kindness
Every interaction we have with other people has the opportunity for us to be kind, or to be something else. Practicing kindness, especially in the face of difficult behavior, pays huge dividends. Try it! You will be pleasantly surprised.
It can be really tough to be kind and compassionate in the face of a very disagreeable, inflexible person. Try to keep in mind that this difficult person is a child of the universe no less than you. Whatever ‘stuff,’ past and current, has them where they currently are, is perhaps quite unfortunate, for you, and especially for them. You may be able to make a positive difference to their existence, even if it is only for a short time. And you may very well be the catalyst that helps them start to turn their life around.
7. Positivity
This can be summed up in one of Dr. Koob’s favorite sayings:
Negativity breeds Negativity
Positivity Breeds Positivity
Choose Wisely
Another way to say this is:
Negativity NEVER helps!
These are well worth thinking about as often as possible!
Our books and materials are designed with these KEYS in mind to help YOU! Service to you is our business and we believe our books provide the most comprehensive and best materials available.
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